Gratitude is easy to feel under certain circumstances. There are those other times, however, where the gratitude space is not obvious.
We have to search for gratitude in the experience. We all have a story and maybe even more than one story. So, let me tell you what happened to me on the way to the office.
It all started when my head started to spin in a tornado-like fashion on the highway. I pulled to the shoulder of the road and gathered myself. My thoughts raced. When I felt it was safe, I drove the short distance to the next exit. I parked at one of those food service/gas stops and called a friend that I knew was available. I abandoned my car for the next 24 hours fearful that I might become disoriented again.
My physician ushered me in for a preliminary assessment and arranged for initial imaging of my brain. He wanted me to stay home a few days as we awaited the MRI results, but I went to the office despite his advice. I drove slowly, taking back roads rather than the highway. I parked in my usual area and began my short walk to the office. So far, so good.
As I crossed the busy street leading to the office door, I stopped.
Yes, I stopped in the middle of the street, grabbed my whirling head and quickly realized that I was unable to continue with my last few steps to the curb.
I was frozen in that space and was terrified to move in any direction. Something was terribly wrong.
The seconds felt like hours. I vaguely recall making my way to the second-floor office. I advised the lead attorney and his assistant of the bizarre occurrences over the last 48 hours. From the responses, it clear that my health was of little concern and the urgency of the work was paramount. I was a new employee and it seemed best to just drop my personal concerns.
Each day, my ability to drive weakened.
Within weeks, I was petrified to drive on the highway. So, I took backroads. Then one day, I took public transit which was a four-hour ordeal, one-way. I advised Human Resources of my escalating condition and they unilaterally placed on short-term disability- much to my dismay. I knew that the office was short-staffed and desperately in need of my energy. I just suddenly had none to give. I had no choice but to resign. From there I continued my gradual descent into severe depression and, ultimately, became unable to drive within three months of my original incident.
Now how does a story of gratitude come from this crisis?
Well, I was ultimately glad that I was placed on disability leave. It forced me to stop and pay attention to my sadness, my anxieties, my ignored trauma.
The pressure of deadlines had always kept me so preoccupied that I never thought it was important to heal old wounds.
I did not know that healing was even necessary. There was always another task, project or goal. I did not understand how ignored trauma could cause physical manifestations many years later.
With medication and intensive therapy, I am driving more frequently now and my trauma is being “processed.” Being placed on leave felt strange initially, but I now see it as God’s will for me. I thank God for moving me to a space where I could finally just care for myself. I am healing and my solitude has offered me more peace and mindfulness than I have ever had. And it feels good.
Look for your gratitude. You might find it in the strangest places.
The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want….He leads me beside the still waters. He restores my soul….
(New King James Version, Psalms 23: 1-3)
Comentários